The Legacy of Anxiety; When Worry Feels Like Love, But Lands as Pressure & Control in Relationships

The Legacy of Anxiety, Unintended Consequences. When your help can feel to theem like control & pressure

If you don’t hold it all together… who will? If you don’t keep scanning the horizon for to-do lists… who will? If you don’t anticipate every potential problem tomorrow… who will? If you don’t do the financial planning, make the reservations, organize the birthdays… who will?

Things aren’t just going to take care of themselves. Someone has to be the grown-up in the room. Someone has to manage the chaos of life. Sound familiar? (deep breath/sigh)

Come over here. Sit down with me for a minute. Let me hold your hand. Hey. I see you. Squeeze hand, I see you.

Listen, I know this is really hard. And I can see that you’re doing an amazing job. I’m so proud of you. You love your people with all of your heart.

Your efforts, your work, your constant vigilance for everyone you care about, I get it. You are incredible.

But this heavy thing you’re carrying, this anxiety? Let me tell you something, my love. It’s so damn complicated. Listen… It starts in the right place. It begins with love. With care. With devotion. With wanting so badly to make life better for yourself and the people you cherish.

But sometimes, without meaning to, it becomes something else.

It can hurt the very people we love; the ones whom we’re working so hard to make life better. Worry starts to feel like love. Hyper-vigilance feels like concern and commitment. Planning, preparing, controlling… they feel like sacrifice. That’s our intention. That’s our goal. That’s our work. That’s who we are, loving them the best way we know how.

But what does it feel like - to them? This is the legacy of anxiety, the unintended consequences, when help can feel like hurt, let's look and anxiety and control in relationships.

If you grew up with a mother like this (like I did or like I was)…Did her constant control feel like love?

Or did it feel like pressure? Like judgment? Like you were never quite enough on your own?

Did it make you want to rebel? Or leave? Or shrink? Because what we feel as protection… can land in their realm as domination. What we feel as care… can land as invalidation. What we feel as help… can feel like constant criticism.

And that’s NOT what we meant to do. I get it. When everything starts to feel like it’s falling apart, you grip tighter. You try harder. You double down. You fight. You plan. You exhaust yourself (and others)

You don’t tell anyone how bad it really feels, because you’re still trying to prove that you can do this. That you’re strong enough. Capable enough. In control.

But the truth is… it hurts. It hurts so much. And the more it hurts, the more you isolate. The more you pull away. The more you whisper, “I just need to get things under control.” But the tighter you grip, the more it slips. And the pain gets sharper.

I am so, so sorry you’re going through this, love. I spent years trying to prove I was good enough, by being everything for everyone.

By controlling everything and everyone, by trying to manage their emotions, their needs, their everything.

But in doing that, I passed on the same message I’d been given: You’re not good enough unless you’re perfect.

Because if I have to control you, tell you every little thing to do, manage your every move, how could you possibly feel like you are good enough?

And this is how the legacy of anxiety gets passed down. I didn’t feel good enough. So I controlled.

You didn’t feel trusted. So you learned to grip too.

That’s how the cycle survives.

I remember back in my 20s, I had a friend who told me that on a scale of 1 to 10, everything in my life had to be between an 8 and a 10.

And I didn’t really know what to do with that. I thought it was just a rude comment. I didn’t understand why high achieving was bad. But I’ll never forget what she said next: “It’s really hard to be your friend sometimes.” Ouch.

So now you’re waiting for me to give you five steps to fix it, right? A checklist? A worksheet? A hack? 😂 Yeah… okay, NO, love. You’ve signed up for the wrong subscription. We are all about understanding and compassion, not fixing. You are not broken, never was.

Spicy Living isn’t about fixing ourselves or anyone else. It’s about REdiscovering who we’ve always been. It’s about REwriting the rules. REbuilding the patterns. REconsidering what we were taught. REevaluating what feels like love, and what’s really just control in disguise.

It’s about REimagining how we live inside our own minds. It’s about REthinking what strength really looks like. Look, I’m not asking you to let go of everything you’re holding. I’m not asking you to fix yourself or anyone.

I want you to know: You are already wonderful. You are already amazing. Yes, messy. Yes, struggling. Yes, beautiful. Yes, human.

The strength and softness inside of you? That’s magic.

Spicy Living is a place where we can see what’s behind the things that hurt.This is where we soften. And in the softening…This is where we begin to heal. And in healing, this is where we find real happiness, real freedom, real joy.

Our relationships become lighter. Easier to navigate. Because we’re no longer death-gripping every interaction. You can do this. I’ll be right here with you. You are not alone. You are really, truly not alone.